For the days we lose the anxiety battle…

At the risk of this sounding presumptuously arrogant, I know there are plenty of things to love about me — despite my anxiety. The end of the previous sentence has been a mantra I have said to myself on a daily basis for going on 8 years. Two thousand nine-hundred twenty days of the same repetitive sentence entering my brain, and I have to say I did not start to believe it until I was 6 years in.

There are moments every day that I fear my current relationship will be destroyed by my anxiety. As many anxiety sufferers know to be true, I feel like I am at war with half of myself every hour of the day. Not only am I fighting for the other half of myself, the one that is overflowing with reasons to love me, but I am fighting for my relationship. I am in a desperate attempt to protect the innocent person that occasionally is injured from my anxiety’s shrapnel. Fighting for myself started to feel normal — and even deserved —  two years ago, but fighting to shield someone outside of myself from having to experience my hourly anxiety episodes does nothing but consume me with exhaustive guilt.

At the end of the days where I have lost the battle, the only sensation I can feel is the lump in the back of my throat due to the overwhelming feeling of defeat. I fall short in admitting the loss to myself, but especially him. I find myself struggling to let him know that all of his efforts to fight this illness with me, and even for me, failed that day. I don’t want him to ever feel even a glimpse of the helplessness that anxiety sufferers feel at the end of a day where you pulled out all the stops — from breathing techniques to magnesium supplements — and still your thoughts are swirling around beginning to blur your sense of logic and reality. The lump in the back of your throat starts to slowly travel to your eyes. Your chest rises and falls rapidly, and your heart follows suit.

As I get older, I have to remind myself that it is inevitable that I will lose the fight some days. The goal must change from obliterating the existence of those days to lessening the amount of losses. I am able to shift my perspective from one to another, and that is another blow against the illness — I still have control. To my fellow GAD sufferers, I hope you find it in you to never lose the initiative to find new ways to gain control. Never lose the desire to fight back. You deserve to be fought for, remember that.

Jealously Looks Terrible on You

I’ve noticed something lately. I am not sure if something is just in the air, or if I have just become lucky enough to become keener to it now — but I have deemed to be a problem prominent enough in society to write about, so here we go.

I think we all know by now that social media jealously is a real thing. We all have those distant high school acquaintances, not even real friends, that seem to have the most perfect life with their perfect job and their perfect house full of their perfect kids who they had with their perfect spouse. And we let it get to us. We compare our mundane, every day, behind the scenes life to their highlight reels. Of course, we all have heard that we do this, we all know that we do this, and we all know that we need to stop doing this. But what happens when the person that you are jealous of is your sibling? Your best friend? Your significant other? You are supposed to be happy for them and supporting them but deep inside you just don’t. Simply put — you want whatever they have for yourself, and you are mad they have it and you don’t.

This came to a head for me this past week when my younger brother got engaged. Now, I’ve never been engaged. I’ve been in a serious relationship before, but I have never been engaged. I’m also single and 26, which most people act like is a death sentence. So, when people heard that my younger brother got engaged before me I received an alarming amount of texts asking how I was doing with “the news.” To provide some background, I knew (and hoped) my brother was going to propose to his girlfriend for a long time. They have been together for seven years. It is not like this came out of left field. That is what I kept telling people because I thought it was odd that people, even family members, figured I was spending even a second being upset over his engagement. Sure, I do not do well with change. I will be the first one to admit that. However, this engagement was not a change, and it was not a surprise. It has been in the making for years. I was and still am bursting at the seams happy for the two of them. Yes, I look at them and what they have, and I admire it and want it for myself eventually. But never did I once think I wanted to be engaged instead of my brother, or that I needed to be the first one engaged in the family because I was older. I’m not saying that because I think I am bigger than this whole “being jealous of someone close to me instead of happy for them” thing down. I don’t. But I was shocked that some people almost expected my reaction to be jealously instead of pure happiness. It began to show me just how widely accepted and understood this concept was of not just being jealous of an acquaintance or a stranger, but being jealous instead of being happy for someone who you are the closest to in your life.

I suppose this is the time that I should give you all advice on how to avoid being jealous of the successes of those you are closest to. And I would be foolish to say I have step-by-step answers on how to handle that feeling for you. If jealously is what you truly feel, no one can change that. But do you have to broadcast that feeling? Absolutely not. I will challenge you to investigate that feeling beyond just a surface level. Why aren’t you happy for them and supporting them like you feel you should be? You know, ask yourself all the questions a shrink would ask you awkwardly in a therapy session. I surely hope you know by now, that the jealously stems from inside you. Try to make a point of recognizing the feeling. Don’t let it linger, figure out why the feeling is there, and handle it. Because wouldn’t it be a shame wasting another second feeling jealous of one of those people that you are closest to in this world instead of celebrating their successes with them?

 

So, Kanye got me thinking…

I never thought I would actually type those words…Kanye got me thinking, but he did. On Sunday night at the Grammy’s, Kanye rushed the stage shortly after Beck was announced as the Album of the Year winner in an attempt to defend Beyoncé’s honor…once again (here is his 2009 stage rush and here is what he pulled this past Sunday). He managed to not say “Im,ma let you finish…”, pass it off as he was just joking, and get himself back to his seat with a laugh and a smile, which with Kanye, is rare. He restrained himself for all of about two hours. During an interview with E! News after the Grammys, his thoughts and headstrong opinions finally spewed out of him. Below is just a section of his rant because as many of you know, once a Kanye rant begins, it is never just a paragraph in length. Click here to watch some of his video rant.

“I just know that the Grammys, if they want real artists to keep coming back, they need to stop playing with us. We ain’t gonna play with them no more. “Flawless,” Beyoncé video. And Beck needs to respect artistry and he should have given his award to Beyoncé and at this point, we tired of it. Because what happens is when you keep on diminishing art and not respecting the craft and smacking people in the face after they deliver monumental feats of music, you’re disrespectful to inspiration. And we as musicians have to inspire people who go to work every day. And they listen to that Beyoncé album and they feel like it takes them to another place. Then they do this whole promotional event, that, you know, they’ll run the music over somebody’s speech, the artist, because they want a commercial advertising. Like no, we not playing with them no more. And by the way, I got my wife, I got my daughter, and I got my clothing line so I’m not going to do nothing to put my daughter at risk — but I am here to fight for creativity. That’s the reason why I didn’t say anything tonight. But y’all know what it meant when ‘Ye walked on the stage.” – Kanye West

Obviously, the media, and the public, jumped all over this. As after every Kanye stunt, his integrity, intelligence, and talent were questioned. I read “Why is this guy even famous?” a total of seven times yesterday. Now, this post isn’t going to be in defense of Kanye West. However, I will say one thing I believe firmly in. A lack of restraint does not correlate to a lack of intelligence, but only with a lack of good manners. Before throwing strong-willed opinions around about anything or anyone, do thorough research. If you want to know why he is famous, then read up on him through the various reputable sources out there that have written on him.

What did Kanye get me thinking about? The appearance of intelligence in general. There are so many people out there who are quick to judge other’s intelligence, which I was one of those people for many, many years. One thing the majority of society has failed to grasp is that overall intelligence isn’t something that can be adequately measured. Absolutely, certain areas of intelligence can be tested and even proven. However, who is to say I am more intelligent than someone who did not go to college and graduate? There is a concept in the 2001 movie, I Am Sam, that I have always remembered but not until recently has it actually resonated with me. They return back to this idea of different smarts numerous times throughout the film, which is displayed in the following interchange between Rita and Sam:

Rita: But who are you kidding? Isn’t Lucy already smarter than you?

Sam: In some ways. But in other ways, she’s not, I think. I think in other ways I’m smarter than her. Smarter than you are, Mr. Turner. In fact, in some ways I’m smarter than you, Judge McNeilly.

In case you haven’t seen the film, Sam in I Am Sam is mentally handicapped. What the film is getting at is such a vital concept to grasp in life in order to obtain a respect for all walks of life. Sure, not everyone is going to know about linguistics, poetry meter, and British literature like I do as an English major grad. But let me tell ya, if you know anything about raising children, cars, writing code, or how to be athletically graceful in any sport, you are smarter than me when it comes to those aspects. Are addicts lacking intelligence because they are addicts? No, not at all. Do they lack self-discipline and restraint? Yes. But, do they lack intelligence simply because they are addicted to a substance? Absolutely not. Similar to how Kanye West’s intelligence and talent is not related to his lack of self restraint.

Once I was able to grasp the concept that I can learn something, big or little, from anyone, my respect for people grew immensely. I was able to be less judgemental, I was able to be more receptive, and I was able to be more understanding. An overall mindfulness of the “different smarts” concept can leave you open to receive so much more in your life that you may never have been open to before. Give it a try, I dare ya.